Disordered Attachment Style: Understanding Its Nature

Welcome to the depths of life! Here, we dive into the world of disorganized attachment in relationships. You'll discover what it feels like, how it affects adult relationships, and strategies to heal.

Get a Grip on Your Attachment Style

Just dying to know what your attachment style is? Take this quiz and find out!

So, What's Disorganized Attachment All About?

Disorganized attachment is one of the four attachment styles people sport, shaped by childhood experiences with primary caregivers. These patterns persist into romantic relationships.

The line-up includes:

Anxious: battling feelings of unworthiness and insecurity.
Avoidant: fleeing from commitment due to fear.
DISORGANIZED: exhibiting insecurity and unpredictable behaviors.
Secure: boasting a positive self-image and openness to love.

Knowing your and your partner's attachment style is crucial for understanding your relationship's intricacies.

Now, let's focus on the disorganized attachment style—but not without its anxious and avoidant twins!

The Tumultuous Ride of Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is a blend of high anxiety and high avoidance in relationships. Sounds like domestic turmoil? That's because it often stems from childhood trauma or neglect, possibly arising from a parent's unresolved traumas or losses.

The parent's dissociative behaviors may have left the child feeling disconnected, contributing to the development of disorganized attachment patterns.

So, why are attachment styles essential? They enhance the likelihood of surviving childhood, making disorganized individuals such fascinating whirlwinds. I like to call them "Spice of Lifers" for a reason!

The harrowing roller coaster of emotions they experience makes for an intense, roller coaster relationship experience. It's this contrast that pushes us to expand and grow, nurturing our spiritual evolution.

When you interact with a Spice of Lifer, two emotions manifest simultaneously: a deep yearning for love and a crippling fear of it. So, prepare yourself for the emotional highs and lows!

Disorganized Attachment in Adults: A Case Study

Let's explore the life of Sandy, a heartbroken Spice of Lifer, on her journey through frustrating romantic affairs.

Sandy embarked on dating a charming new partner, initially enjoying bonding over meaningful conversations, great chemistry, and easy laughter. But, alas, isolation set in as Sandy grappled with her fear of rejection and abandonment and terror of being controlled and invaded.

As things got intimate, jealousy crept in, causing Sandy to obsess over her partner's affections and probe for signs of infidelity. This short fuse sparked conflicts, making her partner back away while struggling to understand her unpredictable behavior.

Frustrated and overwhelmed, Sandy would shut down, leaving her partner confused. The person would either try to productively address the situation or lash out in anger. Sandy's mood swings left partners second-guessing their feelings for her until the inevitable breakup ensued.

But worry not, Sandy would text her ex and the cycle would repeat.

Deep inside, Sandy wrestles with feelings of inadequacy, longing for a meaningful connection, and living with the fear of losing potential partners.

Why Spice of Lifers Act the Way They Do

To go deeper, let's dive into the science behind disorganized attachment. Its connection to the shutting down of the dorsal vagus nerve stems from polyvagal theory.

Typically, the dorsal vagus helps regulate your body's relaxation and excitation cycles. In Sandy's case, it disengages during intimate moments, causing an emotional shutdown to set in. This is why she can't remember the reasons she liked her partner in the first place.

Her attachment system perceives the relationship as a threat, unable to bear the stimulation, and shuts down as a result.

Are YOU a Spice of Lifer?

Curious if your attachment style is disorganized? Take a gander at the self-assessment below:

Do you fear being rejected and hurt by loved ones?
Is your emotional depth too intense for this world?
Do you struggle with polarizing relationships?
Are you incredibly critical of yourself, adhering to a black or white mindset?
Do you hunger for connection and understanding but never quite feel like you fit in?
Have others described you as "moody" or "too intense"?

If you can relate to these points, it's possible your attachment style is disorganized. But let's not just focus on the negatives; Spice of Lifers possess unique strengths, too:

Do you love creativity, even if you don't consider yourself artistic?
Can you relate to and resonate with poetry and music?
Are you empathic and able to read a room better than others?
Do you have a knack for persuasion and know-how to achieve your goals?
Are you a staunch defender of underdogs or deeply understand anti-heroes?
Do others flock to you because of your genuine compassion?

Now that you've learned about Spice of Lifers and their impact on relationships, let's explore what intimate relationships with disorganized attachment look like:

Disorganized Attachment and Relationships: The Struggle Bus Season Pass

Within a relationship, Spice of Lifers experience emotions that are profound yet overwhelming. Rejection and companionship fears entwine, causing confusion about their true needs. This leaves them feeling isolated and uncertain.

Meanwhile, their tendency towards black-and-white judgment prevents them from appreciating gray areas in others and imposing high standards of perfection.

After an initial spell of excitement, reality sets in, and the blah routine of life starts to dull the partner's appeal. This leads Sandy to scrutinize her partner's affections, suspecting there may be infidelity lurking in the shadows.

To validate her suspicions, Sandy might sneak into her partner's phone to read texts or scrutinize their social media. Or she may ultimately decide her partner is boring and no longer worth pursuing.

The emotional pendulum swings from hot to cold, leaving partners bewildered and questioning their relationship's foundation.

Disorganized Attachment and Dating: Your Love Wrecking Crew

Now that you know how disorganized attachment shows up in relationships, let's examine the havoc it wreaks on dating.

Excessive Contact Followed by Withdrawal: Disorganized partners, like anxious attachments, may cling to their partners constantly for a sense of security. They monitor response times, concocting scenarios about why their partner hasn't replied right away, causing self-doubt and a sense of abandonment.
Keeping Score: Spice of Lifers might give an uneven amount of love, time, and attention to their partner. They struggle to understand that everyone has their own boundaries and standards for closeness. This stems from their insecure attachment belief that they are only valuable based on what they do and mean to others.
Acting Hostile: Harsh tones, eyerolls, and passive-aggressive "I'm fine"s are all common ways to express hostility. After the dust settles, the indignant Spice of Lifer might apologize dramatically through over-the-top gestures, attempting to reassume control over the relationship and avoid feelings of abandonment.
Emotional Manipulation: Beware of contradictory statements, like "We're soulmates, but this won't work." These phrases force partners to take a stand indirectly, manipulating them into making a decision.
People Pleasing: Ever-eager to please, Spice of Lifers may neglect their desires in favor of their partner's. This self-sacrifice ultimately backfires, killing the passion in the relationship. Instead, encourage authenticity and the expression of desires.
Saying You Want Committed Relationships But Not Acting Like It: Spice of Lifers may claim absolute love, communicating it through actions, while refusing to define the relationship or establish boundaries. This indecisiveness causes their partners frustrating emotional whiplash.
Saying You Want A Committed Relationship But Not Acting Like It: On the other hand, Spice of Lifers may define the relationship but fail to act accordingly. They cling to the safety of singlesville, just in case matters go south.
Focusing on Flaws: Sandy digs deep into her partner's imperfections, struggling to accept any vulnerabilities or flaws. She's clinging to a self-worth founded on how valuable she is to someone else, causing her to dismiss her partner's shortcomings.
Pining for "The One Who Got Away": Sandy idealizes past partners on pedestals, making her current partner seem dull and unremarkable. When that happens, it might be time to "stay gone."
Hyper or Hypo-Sexuality: The brain and body disconnect for Sandy, causing her to either overshare affections through hypersexuality or avoid them altogether. She craves control over her feelings and, thus, prizes bodily contact over emotional closeness.

Disorganized Attachment in Marriage: The Eternal Dance of Despair and Desire

Just because you get married doesn't mean the roller coaster stops! In long-term partnerships, Spice of Lifers' attachment styles may adapt to their partners', causing anxious attachment to meld with avoidant tendencies and vice versa.

This attachment style dynamic tends to create a cyclical, toxic situation known as "the anxious-avoidant trap."

Fear not, though—it's possible to break free from this destructive cycle and achieve security in your emotions and relationship.

Heal Your Disorganized Attachment: A Step-by-step Guide

Healing from disorganized attachment is challenging work, but it's not impossible. Meet Joe, a student who Denise Duffield-Thomas helped to restore his emotional balance, and Jitka, another example of someone who embraced an improved attachment style through coaching.

The path to healing disorganized attachment involves working through confusion about love conditions, establishing personal boundaries, and cultivating self-acceptance.

Space and Time Equalize Emotional Confusion

Accepting and observing your insecurities is a crucial step in healing disorganized attachment. Focus on making informed decisions and giving yourself space to grow.

This process takes time, months or even years, and requires patience and practice. You'll learn to become a more secure attachment style if you persistently practice allowing space within you.

Dive into Denise Duffield-Thomas' video for more insight into healing disorganized attachment.

Recognize the signs of your attachment style by taking the offered quiz to understand the four attachment styles.
Discover that disorganized attachment is a blend of high anxiety and high avoidance in relationships, often stemming from childhood trauma or neglect.
Realize that knowing your and your partner's attachment style is crucial for understanding your relationship's intricacies and improving the odds of a harmonious relationship.
Understand that Sandy, a heartbroken Spice of Lifer, battles a tumultuous ride of emotions in her romantic affairs, marked by fear, jealousy, and impulsive behavior.
Delve into the science behind disorganized attachment, learning that it stems from the shutting down of the dorsal vagus nerve, leading to emotional shutdowns during intimate moments.
Reflect on whether you relate to the points in the self-assessment to determine if your attachment style is disorganized.
Explore how relationships with disorganized attachment can feel overwhelming emotionally, as the struggle for connection and fear of rejection often leaves individuals feeling isolated and uncertain.
Identify the common behaviors in dating relationships with disorganized attachment, such as excessive contact followed by withdrawal, keeping score, acting hostile, and emotional manipulation.
Embrace the idea that healing disorganized attachment is a challenging but possible journey, as demonstrated by the transformations of individuals like Joe and Jitka through guidance and self-acceptance.