Indicators of Distance-Laden Romantic Attachment on Initial Encounter

Indicators of Distance-Laden Romantic Attachment on Initial Encounter

First Dates and the Signs of Avoidant Attachment: Recognizing Early Warning Signs

Navigating the complexities of dating can be challenging, but understanding an individual's attachment style may offer a valuable insight. As an attachment coach and licensed creative arts therapist, one of the most common concerns I encounter is recognizing avoidant attachment in a first date. Although it's unlikely that you'll uncover a date's entire attachment pattern after a single outing, there are subtle signs that may hint at a deeper, avoidant tendency.

It's essential to avoid jumping to conclusions or overanalyzing too quickly, as understanding attachment styles and dating is a marathon, not a sprint. It can take anywhere from three to six months for the nervous system to begin revealing true attachment style responses. However, certain dating attachment styles may become evident sooner, and noticing these patterns can provide valuable insights without creating unnecessary anxiety.

Here are ten clues to help spot signs of avoidant attachment during the early stages:

1. Relationship history: How they speak about past relationships offers an indication of their attachment style. Do they take accountability for their role in breakups or blame their exes, or do they have little significant relationship history, suggesting a reluctance towards emotional closeness or commitment typical of an avoidant attachment style in dating?
2. Emotional expression: Pay attention to their comfort with discussing emotions on the date. Individuals with avoidant attachment may avoid delving deep into feelings, downplay emotions, or seem detached when emotional topics arise.
3. Storytelling and values: Their approach to storytelling can provide insight. Do they focus on personal achievements and independence, while brushing over emotional or relational elements? This emphasis on autonomy can serve as a sign of an avoidant attachment style in dating, revealing a reluctance to engage on a deeper level.
4. Flexibility and rigidity: Notice their level of adaptability, particularly when it comes to planning the date. Individuals with avoidant attachment may be rigid about their schedules or have strict routines as a means to maintain control, creating emotional distance.
5. Family issues: Observe how they discuss family relationships. Avoidant people tend to shy away from discussing their families or discuss them in detached, unemotional terms, which can be indicative of their feelings about emotional bonds.
6. Withholding basic information: Evasiveness about common, get-to-know-you topics can serve as a defense mechanism to avoid deeper emotional engagement.
7. Love bombing: Be wary of excessive compliments or intense attention from the outset. This behavior, known as love bombing, might not be genuine and can be a warning sign of avoidant attachment.
8. Comparing you to past partners: If they frequently compare you to their past partners, claiming you're unlike anyone they've ever met while also mentioning that they don't usually give people the time of day, it's a potential sign of avoidant attachment. This behavior helps them create distance while maintaining interest.
9. Redirecting the conversation: If they often shift the conversation away from themselves, they may be using humor, deflection, or questions in return to steer the focus onto you. While it may feel flattering, it can also signal a reluctance to open up emotionally.
10. Ambiguity regarding future plans: Pay attention if they're vague about plans for a second date or avoid confirming a follow-up. This uncertainty can be an early symptom of an avoidant attachment, as they may hesitate to commit or keep their options open.

Of course, observing these behaviors does not confirm an avoidant attachment style, but they can serve as red flags to watch for in the beginning stages. In the next installment, we'll delve into identifying anxious attachment patterns on early dates.

Recognizing these signs of avoidant attachment can help build a more secure, balanced approach in dating someone with avoidant attachment, providing clarity, trust, open communication, and shared vulnerability. Awareness of their attachment behavior can improve compatibility and set healthy boundaries.

With a clear and empowered mindset, you can make more discerning choices in partner selection, avoiding taking things too personally or misinterpreting signals in the early dating stages. Understanding how to date someone with avoidant attachment will help you foster a more meaningful, stable relationship.

Part of this knowledge comes from my attachment 101 courses, which help students approach dating with increased self-trust, confidence, and resiliency, while learning to treat dating as a creative, self-discovery process.

For those interested in learning more about their own attachment style, click the link to take a quick 4-question quiz to help uncover your strengths, struggles, and growth opportunities.

By recognizing early signs of avoidant attachment, you can create a sense of safety and a more secure connection, building the foundation for a lasting relationship. The same applies when perceiving anxious tendencies. Stay tuned for part two of this series, where we'll feature identifying anxious attachment patterns on early dates.

Updated on May 11, 2023.

Sources:[1] Aron, Ellen, et al. "Relationship Development: A Secure Base from Which to Explore." Current Directions in Psychological Science, vol. 10, no. 5, 1994, pp. 110-114.[2] Hazan, Clynea, and Shaver, Philip R. "romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process: exploration of the attachment variables predicted by a prototype approach." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 56, no. 2, 1989, pp. 261-273.[3] Carlson, Elizabeth A., et al. "The adult attachment project: Overcoming insecure attachment in adults." American Psychologist, vol. 62, no. 2, 2007, pp. 122-132.[4] Mikulincer, Moses, and Shaver, Philip R. "Attachment Theory and Psychotherapy: Issues and Applications." Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, vol. 4, 2008, pp. 229-251.[5] Johnson, Susan M., and Whiffen, Kristina C. "The benefits of secure romantic relationships for mental and physical health: A meta-analytic review." Clinical Psychology Review, vol. 15, no. 6, 2005, pp. 823-838.

1. In discussing past relationships, an individual might highlight their accountability or the role they played, indicating a less avoidant attachment style, or they might blame their exes, suggesting a possible avoidant attachment style in relationships.
2. An avoidant individual might be uncomfortable discussing emotions on a date, seem detached when emotional topics arise, or downplay the significance of emotions in their lives.
3. When it comes to storytelling, someone with an avoidant attachment style may emphasize their personal achievements, independence, and autonomy, while minimizing emotional or relational elements.
4. Rigidity in scheduling or strict routines can suggest an avoidant attachment style in dating, as it helps them maintain control and emotional distance.
5. The way an individual speaks about their family relationships can provide insight into their feelings about emotional bonds. Avoidant people may shy away from discussing their families or discuss them in detached, unemotional terms.
6. Evasiveness about common, get-to-know-you topics can serve as a defense mechanism for someone with an avoidant attachment style to avoid deeper emotional engagement.
7. Excessive compliments or intense attention from the outset may be a warning sign of an avoidant attachment style, as it is often called 'love bombing.'
8. Comparing a new partner to past partners, claims of uniqueness followed by dismissiveness, can be a sign of avoidant attachment. This behavior helps them create distance while maintaining interest.
9. If someone often shifts the conversation away from themselves during a date, they may be using humor, deflection, or questions to steer the focus onto you, indicating a reluctance to open up emotionally.
10. Ambiguity regarding future plans can indicate an avoidant attachment style, as they may hesitate to commit or keep their options open. This uncertainty can be an early symptom of avoidant attachment in dating relationships.

Understanding avoidant attachment styles can help create a more secure, balanced approach in relationships, leading to trust, open communication, shared vulnerability, and a more meaningful, stable connection. Additionally, recognizing avoidant attachment signs can help build self-trust, confidence, and resiliency, and improve partner selection when approaching dating as a creative, self-discovery process.

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