Nurturing their Flight: Maintaining Assistance and Self-Reliance
As parents, our instinct is to protect and provide the best for our children. But sometimes, this can lead us down a path we're hesitant to acknowledge: becoming a "helicopter parent." In more modern terms, we might be referred to as a "lawnmower" or even a "snowplow" parent. These labels describe parents who hover over every detail of their children's lives, fixing problems and removing obstacles. While this comes from a place of love and concern, it can limit the growth our children need to thrive.
In higher education, this delicate balance between support and independence is crucial. College is a time for young people to navigate personal challenges and learn valuable life skills. Mistakes and stumbles are an essential part of this journey, allowing our children to grow and learn. Jessica Lahey, in her book "The Gift of Failure," explains this beautifully: "Children learn best when they are allowed to make mistakes and face the natural consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents rob their kids of this critical learning."
Instead of being a helicopter parent, we can adopt a more hands-off approach, acting as a "lighthouse parent." Rather than clearing the path or hovering overhead, turning every problem into an emergency, lighthouse parents stand as steady guides on the shore. They offer light, direction, and reassurance, allowing their children to navigate the waters on their own.
The post-Covid-19 world has amplified the challenges that students may feel inclined to "plow" over. Students are dealing with new pressures, both emotional and financial, and are often less confident in handling tasks like budgeting, managing relationships, or advocating for themselves.
In these situations, our role is not to solve every problem, but to empower students to solve problems on their own. This means fostering problem-solving skills, encouraging communication, and teaching financial literacy. For example, if a student overspends their meal plan, we could discuss the consequences of their financial choices instead of immediately replenishing it. Roommate conflicts can be opportunities to teach critical interpersonal skills, like open communication and compromise.
These moments are not just about resolving the issue at hand; they are about building confidence, resilience, and independence. They help students transition from being cared for to taking charge of their own lives. By encouraging autonomy and problem-solving, we become co-architects of our student's success.
This doesn't mean we shouldn't be there for our student. It means being there in a way that supports their growth, not undermines it. We should ask questions instead of providing answers, be a sounding board, not a solution machine.
It's important to acknowledge that not every student has the same level of support at home. First-generation college students and those whose families may not be able to offer hands-on guidance often face additional hurdles. In these cases, the university must serve as both a place of academic growth and a support system. Providing resources such as mentoring, financial literacy workshops, and mental health services can make a significant difference.
Stepping back can be challenging, especially when we see our children struggling. But it's also incredibly rewarding to see them succeed on their own terms. It's a moment of pride that cannot be replaced.
Let's guide our students, not hover over them. The best gift we can give is the confidence to take flight. Together, we can ensure this generation of students is not just educated but equipped to lead, to adapt, and to succeed in an ever-changing world.
References:
- Lahey, J. (2015). The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. New York, NY: Harper Business.
- Ginsburg, K. R. (2015). Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings. New York, NY: Avery.
- Einsohn, L. A., & Hobbs, R. S. (2016). A Parent's Guide to Building a Stronger Teenager: Actionable Skills to Navigate the Adolescent Years. New York, NY: Avery.
- Balogh, A. (2018). Parenting as Active Constructivism: A Dialogical Approach to Pre- and Early-Parent Education. New York, NY: Palgrave Macmillan.
Enrichment Data:
Adopting a lighthouse parenting approach offers distinct benefits for supporting college students. Here's why:
- Encourages Autonomy: Lighthouse parenting promotes independence and self-reliance by allowing children to make decisions and learn from their experiences. This helps college students develop the ability to handle responsibilities and challenges on their own, which is crucial for academic success and personal growth.
- Fosters Problem-Solving Skills: By encouraging children to figure out solutions to conflicts and challenges, lighthouse parents teach critical thinking and problem-solving skills. These skills are essential for college students to navigate academic and personal challenges effectively.
- Balances Support and Independence: Lighthouse parents provide guidance without taking over entirely, ensuring that their children develop a sense of security and confidence. This balance helps college students feel supported while also learning to be self-sufficient, which is vital for their transition to higher education.
- Enhances Communication Skills: Lighthouse parenting involves teaching children how to communicate their needs effectively. This skill is essential for college students to express their needs to professors, peers, and other support services, ensuring they receive the help they need.
- Promotes Healthy Self-Esteem and Confidence: By offering guidance without controlling every outcome, lighthouse parents help their children develop healthy self-esteem and confidence. These traits are crucial for college students to handle the pressures of higher education and make informed decisions about their academic and personal lives.
In comparison, helicopter parenting can hinder the development of essential life skills and independence. Helicopter parents often solve problems for their children, lessening the need for them to learn these skills independently. Lighthouse parenting strikes a balance between support and independence, allowing children to grow into confident and capable individuals.
- In the context of higher education workshops, parents can learn about the importance of not being a "snowplow" parent, but instead, navigating the delicate balance between support and independence, allowing their children to thrive.
- Welcoming the concept of "lighthouse parenting," colleges and universities can offer workshops for parents to understand how to empower their children by fostering problem-solving skills, encouraging communication, and teaching financial literacy.
- Parents, especially those whose children are first-generation college students or lack sufficient support at home, can attend workshops on mentoring to learn how to be a steady guide, offering light, direction, and reassurance while allowing their children to navigate their academic and personal challenges independently.
